Who's gonna drive you home tonight?

i hate riding on bangalore roads, absolutely loathe it. i've been riding on it since i was 15. those were the halcyon days, i was one of the very few kids who got to come to school on a bike, and perks included, running the school security guard over, (truly fun!). mom wouldn't send me out without a helmet, so i looked like a mysterious school girl biker chic lol. mornings were fun, school was at 8:30 and i left home at 8:15, and covered a nice 8 km in 15 minutes, not bad huh? on the way i'd meet guys from the boys' school and well it was fun racing them, i did not like to "race", but those guys used to get severely affronted every time i overtook them, and so gave these smirks when they in turn over took me, i can't handle men smirking, it wakes up the feminist demon in me and so a race was on.not any more though, driving has become a nightmare. i used to be a rather timid, unadventerous person before i started driving, it unleashed the thrill seeker in me. but now, i'd rather trek through leech infested forests than drive in bangalore traffic.

its a bloody nightmare,honestly, trained baboons can drive in a more orderly fashion. people yell, honk, take atrocious turns, swerve, brake, speed...... so i've had it with atrocious driving, i really want to educate people about scientific driving. yes, theres a method to this madness. bangaloreans please start taking notes.

#1. If you can't drive, don't drive.
cardinal rule methinks. people who can't drive, shouldn't, or if they wish to, should do so with a giant L sticker on the left of the road where all the other inconsequential things are

#2. Right, left or centre
believe it or not your speed should determine which side of the road your vehicle should be on. since you can over take from your right (on the side of the driver's rear view), the fastest vehicles should move on the right of the road. so if you are zipping home to have sex you should be on the right, but if you are puttering around taking in the sun, stay to the left, and if you are pacing yourself, stick to the centre of the road

#3. don't go hamlet on the lane
this is driving that would make a schizophrenic feel pretty well adjusted. i hate people who change lanes to suit their convenience. when traffic on one lane gets blocked, mr (or ms.) selfish decides to switch lanes causing an "in situ" traffic jam. urgh. and then theres the tiresome business of reading these "to be or not to be" souls. they swerve madly from lane to lane, its almost like watching a tennis match

#4. yellow yellow, makes you mad and mellow
i personally hate it when the green changes to yellow, just when im about to cross the signal, but the done thing is to stop at the signal when the yellow comes on. people are such rotters that they move on even when the light turns red, thus blocking traffic at other signals.

#5. don't dream when its green
this is especially for those people who are making grocery lists when they are at the forefront of a stop signal. isn't it odd how people with the slowest response times always tend to be on the frontlines and you, who just want to bolt, is at the back, honking madly, trying bring attention to the fact that the light is green?

#6. scourge on the free left blocker
this for those people that block a free left at a signal because, they duh, obviously don't want to turn left, but they just have to encroach on the space, move to the front of the line and make grocery lists. hate you guys.

#7. send those running pedestrians to the olympics
damn straight!. people just dont understand how uncomplicated and unimportant their lives really are. i don't get why pedestrians scoot, scram, bolt to the other end of the road in between busy traffic. all you have to do is wait at the pdestrian crossing till the walk sign turns green, and then you can stroll about, breathe in, listen to the birds, swish your hair a lil bit. no., they insist on running to the other end of the curb, when the green signal is on, when most vehicles are going full throttle on their accelerator pedals. honestly its olympics or road kill

#8. you ruddy fool, when you have an indicator light, use it!
my favourite pet peeve. people who don't indicate which way they want to turn. its like they're going, ..going, still going, and suddenly they have a "oh fuck theres my right" moment, and swerve suddenly. people, indicator light is to INDICATE which way you're going, not because its particularly psychadelic. sometimes, a person intending to go right, goes to the very left of the traffic signal, usually by squeezing & snaking through traffic, and then when the green light comes on, its diagonal movement towards the promised land, without using the indicator.

#9 you ain't no moses and the red sea ain't gonna part
when you are stuck in a signal and some car outhere cannot seem to start, please don't honk your annoyance out. everybody knows its green, and its time to go, so honking really doesn't serve any purpose, it just makes the driver of the car more nervous, unless its me, then the honking could be counter productive because i refuse to start my car in excess din and when my chi is broken so :P. why do people honk at a traffic jam any how?. its bizzarre. traffic's not moving, you are on a road thats like the lunar surface, life sucks and then you honk.(???)

#10 antichrist is an autorickshaw driver from bangalore
ummm, nothing much to add to that one. yup nothing.

there goes people, if i think of a few more i'll let you know. meanwhile the cutest thing happened to me while i was riding back home. i stopped for this guy who was crossing the road. (cute too), and then he stopped to let me pass, i smiled and indicated that he should pass, but he stood right there and gestured at me, to pass, and then i smiled at the irony of chivalry, and said " pedestrian's right of way", he gave the broadest smile ever, also sensing the irony, how chivalry, is not a male bravado act, but something that shows people you respect them

oh i bet he was married!, he had that "happily married" aura :(