God ...I thought you were on my side

I have to write, even thought its 2 am in the night. I have to write because this restlessness is killing me.

I always get this way when the season is about to change, actually when the year hits June because, I'm thinking to myself, dear lord its JUNE!!. June is like my time for a mid-year crisis. All of a sudden my birthday is looming, and although most people like the idea of their birth being celebrated, I don't because it terrifies me that I'm getting older. this time I'll be hitting the quarter-century and apparently as a girl in india, thats peak "shelf life". The last chance to get married after which, its all downhill apparently. Usually, I'd scoff at the mere thought of this, but now, I can't help but wonder if it indeed will be downhill.

I can't help but think of the last time I was deliriously happy. It was May 26th 1999, I remember the date very clearly because the 1999 world cup was goin on and India were playing Sri Lanka that day and licked them so royally that the lankans wished that the earth would open up and swallow them. That was not why I was deliriously happy though. My 10th boards results were out that day and I went to school to find out my results in trepidation and anxiety. To my utter joy I found that I had topped the school. I felt on top of the world. I felt like God's anointed child. I felt so high and the world was at my feet. I honestly have never felt this way again or may be I've grown and become more mature. Or so I would like to thing. But that thing that day made me want to love everybody, be a nice person and want to truly love the world because I was so happy.

I dunno if I'll ever get such a moment again but I really, truly want one. Every year I wait for a day where my life truly changes and moves on to another plane. A moment that transforms me for the good. last year it was the move to pune. I guess I did it solely because I wanted a major change. theres nothing as demoralizing as the slow grind of status quo.

May be I'm thinking too much, after all, a date change is nothing to get a panxiety attack over (panic & anxiety attack together) but thats the thing with me, I do think too much. I think in sentences. You know I mentally correct my thoughts if the grammar isn't right? and when I think, I usually concern myself with the worst possible scenario because thats the situation thats really tough to deal with right? and thus my agony.

I forsee nothing but doom at the end of this year.